Healthy jealousy: how it helps to maintain relationships

It is generally accepted that it destroys a couple. This is evidenced by stories of jealous, whose feelings and actions not only spoiled relations, but in some cases led to crimes. But is there healthy jealousy and what to do if there really is reasons to worry? The unexpected answers of the psychologist.

Jealousy is just a feeling. So, to test it normally. But sometimes it occurs without a reason, and this leads to misunderstanding and tension in relationships. It is difficult to cope with strong feelings, and these feelings hurt the other.

Such stories often have a sad end. Therefore, jealousy deserved a negative reputation. But healthy jealousy is more likely to maintain relations, and not at their destruction.

What jealousy can be considered healthy?

In addition to personal boundaries of partners, there are pair boundaries. Affectionate nicknames, special rituals – all this creates an intimate world, where outsiders are prohibited. And if a colleague gives your husband underwear, most likely this will cause bewilderment or even indignation. With this gesture, she will invade the intimate space of two, violate the boundaries.

In many ways, these rules are conditional and are determined by partners. Free relations also suggest boundaries, they just differ from the framework of a more classical union. When the third invades the borders of the couple, a healthy sense of jealous. This man is like a stranger who appeared on the threshold of your house, and his behavior is defiant and inappropriate. Jealousy draws attention to the situation, signals the danger. If the relationship is valuable, what is happening cannot but bother us.

What to do if there really is a jealous reason?

• Track what is happening to you right now

Jealousy often appears unexpectedly and finds by surprise. If an unpleasant feeling “flows” to the edges, try to step aside and figure out what happened. Which hurt the most that exactly seemed inappropriate? What feelings prevail now?

Who are you in the first place – to a partner or the third person who violated your peace? Where is the line that crossed? What behavior of others, in your opinion, is appropriate, and which violates the boundaries?

• Pay attention to the reaction of the partner

When there was no doubt that there is a reason for jealousy, pay attention to how a loved one behaved. Did he understand what happened, as he took what had happened? Maintaining the boundaries of relations is the task of both.

When an unwanted guest knocks on the door, we have a choice: to let him in or refuse. Perhaps the partner began to respond to flirting, or maybe he was taken aback by no less than yours and simply did not find what to answer. His reaction indicates which side of the border the pair fissured – outside or from the inside.

• Talk when one side of the barricades

In such situations, I often want to release emotions, arrange a scandal, show what pain you experienced. This can follow both relief, and, conversely, an increase in the voltage between you. Most likely, the incident caused a lot of feelings with a partner, especially if confusion did not allow him to protect the boundaries. Therefore, it is important to find out how he sees what happened.

You can discuss the situation in different ways. You can stand on opposite sides of the barricades and throw accusations in each other. And you can leave an awkward situation on one side, and go to

another.